Relationships and play
To play is to experiment. It isn't about scoring points against each other, but getting a combined high score of connection and understanding. To play is to hold a context lightly and freely; to keep it in motion, moving towards an outcome. To shift from an attitude of fear and expectations to curiosity and loving lightness.
‘You learn more about a person in an hour of play than in a lifetime of conversation.’
Plato
Making love is one form of adult play. So too, are any of the exercises in my book. Kind conversation can be a way to play together.
Kind conversation
Kind conversation occurs when a two people willingly take turns to both talk kindly and to listen and speak kindly to each other. It flows easily and there is an easy sense of reciprocity. Both people may speak on the same topic (or not). The key is that each person has room to have their say without interrupting or correcting each other.
It’s like a friendly game of tennis where the purpose is to keep the ball ‘in play’. To keep the conversation playing out. If one of you misses or the ball goes out of bounds, the ball is fetched and re-served without the drive to win points at all costs: Instead, there is a mutual want to continue to play. The goal is to play with each other…
Not to have the most points but together reach a combined high score
Exercise: Explore Kind Conversation
Invite your partner or a friend to have a kind conversation with you.
Set some ‘rules of play’.
Agree on a total time for the exercise, say ten minutes
Use ‘I statements’ to express your feelings, thoughts and opinions
Agree that neither of you will interrupt the other while they are speaking and that you will keep your body language open
Explain that nodding doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with what they are saying, but that you are present and willing to listen
Agree on a topic
2. Take turns to speak
about any topic to each other, so that you each have two turns at kindly speaking and kindly listening. Remember silences are okay. When you have finished take timed one-minute turns to share how that was for each of you, both to talk and to listen kindly.