Relationships & our
Four Emotional Needs
Overview
Psychologist John E. Hoover wrote a book called The Uniting Power of Conflict – A Psychologist’s Proven Strategies For Real Life Situations.[i]
John explained that the real issue when we are distressed is not necessarily the need to resolve the conflict itself, but rather that four basic emotional needs are met:
My feelings matter to you
I am understood by you
It is safe for me to go deeper
All is well with us
These basic emotional needs are important in all our close relationships. Initially as babies, then as we grow and develop into infanthood, childhood, our teens and finally into adulthood.
These four needs are still in play in our relationship with our significant other.
My feelings matter to you
In a relationship, believing you are safe and able to express your feelings is important. This is especially true if your feelings are new, uncomfortable or an integral part of your self expression. They may be feelings of
joy or sadness
despair or mirth
guilt, pain or tenderness
Free resource: Download a list of feelings and emotions
Being able to safely express feelings of love to each other is a step of vulnerability that opens us to the possibility of more love. Knowing that your feelings matter to another person can be the difference between a sense of purpose and belonging and a sense of despair and loneliness.
2. I am understood by you
The second emotional need is being understood. It makes sense to be that you feel that way, that you think what you think, act as you act because of what you believe. Being understood is a validation.
Understanding isn’t agreeing
It doesn’t mean that the other person agrees with you or condones your behaviour.
Case study 01 | Frank & Sasha
My feelings matter to you
I am understood by you
It is safe for me to go deeper
3. It is safe for me to go deeper
In a relationship, believing you are safe and able to express your feelings and opinions is important. This is especially true if your feelings are new, uncomfortable or an integral part of your self expression.
Case study 01 | Frank & Sasha
4. All is well with us
Case study 01 | Frank & Sasha
All is well with us
Ref: [i] Hoover, John E. (2014) The Uniting Power of Conflict – A Psychologist’s Proven Strategies For Real Life Situations. New Forums Press, Inc. p. 16